How to find the ideal partner?

Where one person has a new partner every day, so to speak, the other can sometimes find no one for years. How do you find the ideal partner, and does he or she exist? It is an ongoing question that has fascinated psychologists for centuries. It has led to many scientific types of research and results. It shows that finding the ideal partner can be easier than you think.

Why are you still single? These 10 questions you can ask yourself

If you haven't had or can't find a steady relationship for a long time, you might ask yourself why you are still single. Is there just no one who suits you, or can't you adapt to the ideal partner? Because with almost 7 billion people in this world, there really should be someone who is the true one.

Some people believe that appearance is important. Research shows that this is only partly and only in some cases, true. In most cases, it is not your appearance, but behavior and thinking and communication style that is the bottleneck.

If you haven't encountered the right one yet, you can continue to do what you did. But don't expect a different result. You will have to change something. You can ask yourself these questions:

1. Do you have enough self-confidence and self-esteem?

Self-confidence is the ability to trust that you can do something. That is not the same as self-esteem. Self-esteem is finding yourself worthy of a relationship.

Someone with healthy self-esteem and self-confidence knows that you can trust that there is someone right for you. You know that you are worth being with that person.

Women find it attractive when a man has enough self-esteem and self-confidence. Of course, that should not turn into pride or bragging.

Conversely, men don't bother too much if a woman has a little too little self-esteem and self-confidence as long as it doesn't turn into shyness.

Self-esteem and self-confidence is something you are born with. Unfortunately, there may have been circumstances in your life that reduced your self-esteem and/or self-confidence. It can even be detrimental to your resilience. Through several coaching sessions, you can build up healthy self-esteem and sufficient self-confidence again.

... ...

2. Are you friendly and easily approachable?

Nobody is waiting for a relationship with a grumpy or pessimistic person, especially someone who can't control his anger. But dating someone who is very shy and maybe even unsociable isn't fun either.

What nobody wants either is someone who only talks about himself and is not interested in the other. Bragging about how good you are is also no fun for anyone but yourself.

Everyone is looking for a partner with whom you can talk about anything and everything. We experience someone who smiles and looks friendly as an easygoing and sociable person.

In general, we are looking for a partner with a lot of the same knowledge and interests. Knowledge is the only possession where if we share it, it multiplies itself. That makes us feel richer after a conversation with someone who also knows something about the same subject.

General knowledge makes the difference whether you can talk about different subjects or not. But your communication style and behavior also influence whether or not it is pleasant to communicate with you.

Every behavior can be learned and taught. It also applies to your communication style. Everyone can learn to adapt their communication style to the conversation partner without pretending to be different.

3. Are you resilient enough?

Resilience is the art of recovering from setbacks. If you are not resilient enough, you will easily experience fear of possible rejection. Once you have gathered the courage to ask someone out, it is difficult to process rejection.

Such a rejection may even be the apparent reason why you don't want the next date. The real cause is not the rejection but how you dealt with it.

Rejections are part of the dating process. You can wait until you are sure the other person will like you at least as much, or you may never find a date.

In most cases, falling in love with someone happens during dating. In advance, we may have a hunch and even certain feelings for the other person, but the date is meant to confirm and strengthen this feeling.

Resilience is not something that is innate or not. Resistance can be learned. It will give you the courage to take the right steps to find the true one, without fear of rejection.

4. Do you have too high standards, and are you quick to judge?

There's nothing wrong with making demands on a partner in advance. But they have to be realistic. Besides, you may judge too quickly so that the person who does meet all your requirements will walk right by your nose.

Tiny men who are generally experienced as less handsome are sometimes intensely happy together with beautiful models and vice versa. Appearances contribute a lot to the sex appeal for some visually minded people. But it doesn't always have to be that way.

What is generally true is that if there is a lot of difference in the appearance of two partners, the less beautiful partner clearly has other qualities. A lot of jokes are made that this is mostly the financial assets of the less handsome partner, but this is only rarely the case.

Sometimes you meet someone who, due to his or her behavior or statements, no longer falls within your set requirements. You can have a direct opinion about that, but perhaps the behavior of that one statement was an incident. Therefore, get to know someone better before you make a judgment. Most people are not always who they truly are. Probably that's also true for yourself.

5. Do you take good enough care of yourself?

There are many ways to take care of yourself (and it' s good for you). Of course, in the first place, it's about being clean, wearing clean and tidy clothes and taking good care of your (body) hair, nails and skin.

But there is more you can do to take good care of yourself. For example, taking the time to take a walk, meditate, or read a good book. Everything you can put "too much" in front is also a sign that you are not taking good care of yourself. For example:

  • Eating, smoking or drinking too much
  • Watching too much television or gaming
  • Too much makeup or paying attention to your appearance

Taking good care of yourself radiates to your date. Your face will look healthy, and you will look calm. Unconsciously, your date will notice. Also, taking good care of yourself contributes to creating a healthy dose of self-esteem and self-confidence.

6. Are you addicted to your routine?

The trouble with an addiction is that sometimes you don't even realize it. That's certainly true when it comes to routine. Going to the same bar or restaurant every week or hanging out on the couch every day from the beginning of the evening doesn't help in finding the right one.

If you're stuck and thus addicted to your routine, it's time to change it. Do things you wouldn't otherwise do and go to places you've never been before. If the true one doesn't come to you, you will have to discover places and ways by yourself.

Besides, it is extremely unattractive to have a relationship with someone who is addicted to routine. It is good for any relationship to do something exciting or special regularly. That keeps the relationship richly alive.

Continuously doing something different and trying something different also contributes to being able to have a pleasant conversation. Because you have done and experienced so much, there is always something you are interested in together.

7. Do you compare possible partners with your ex, a friend, or a family member?

One of the worst things you can do to someone compares them to your ex, friend, or relative. You see a certain behavior or style of communication and immediately judge that the person is going to be like them.

The person you meet can't help that you had a negative experience with someone who had similar behavior. And the fact that the behavior is identical does not mean that it is the same!

Everyone is unique, and you can't just compare people based on a few hours or days. Also, people change all the time, so it doesn't even make sense to compare.

Besides, when it comes to a relationship after a date, you include the negative feelings and thoughts in the relationship. That is not pleasant for anyone. Certainly not for yourself.

8. Do you have enough passion and zest for life?

Some people don't know what they want in life and therefore live without much passion or zest for life. It is a pity because one of the most attractive qualities for both men and women is having and being able to express your passion.

When we talk about something we have passion about, we know what we want to say and how we want to say it so that the other person can relate to it. Our eyes shine, our body is relaxed, we show lust for life, and that is contagious.

Passion is often not something you get or suddenly arise. Developing passion takes time, focus, and deepening. Passion is something you care about a lot, that you would like to spend day and night on and that you can talk about endlessly.

If you don't know what you want in life, you can ask for help from a life coach or a career coach. You can also read a lot of books on a variety of subjects. Not finding your passion is often due to a lack of knowledge about what there is to do and to experience in the world.

Another aspect of not knowing what you want might be that you are focused on making money or being rewarded. Passion almost always has to do with something where you contribute to a greater whole than yourself. A reward is usually a consequence of an additional matter.

9. Do you care too much about a certain kind of appearance?

Appearances and sex are certainly not unimportant. But you can also make it too important. You may not get excited at all about a certain figure or personality, but that's usually only temporary.

Research shows that if two totally different people who find each other absolutely unattractive end up on an uninhabited island, they can fall immensely in love within a short period.

Being fixed on a certain appearance can limit your choice of partners enormously. It can even cause you to fall in love with the wrong partner over and over again, making you unhappy again.

Giving too much to the appearance of a future partner usually has to do with sticking to an ideal image. A form of perfectionism that does not contribute to finding a partner. It is actually a cognitive distortion called "Black/White Thinking".

By being more open to other qualities of a possible partner, a feeling of love can arise that spontaneously makes you feel sexually attracted to that person.

10. Is everything about sex during the first date and in a relationship?

There is nothing wrong with sex. In many cases, it turns out that good communication and friendship have a shared first place with sex when it comes to maintaining a long-term relationship. Often intimacy is even higher than sex itself. But without shared interests, shared friends, a sense of understanding, and security, sex in a relationship is worth little.

If you put sex in the first place during the first date - or even before you want a date - you lose the chance to immerse yourself in the other similarities. Yes, women feel this and are usually not comfortable with it.

Of course, there are plenty of women who also want a one-night stand. But they are usually not looking for a relationship. Just like in a lasting relationship, sex should be a result of being together and intimate and not a goal in itself.

Ben Steenstra Ben Steenstra
11 mins read
Related articles
Show more
33 dating coaches available via live video calling
  • Susan McCord
    Relationship Coach
    € 1,02 pm
  • Rose Marie Nelson
    Life Coach
    € 2,09 pm
  • Moritz Tiedemann
    € 0,20 pm
  • LC Nilsen
    Psychology student
    € 0,42 pm
  • Lori Lepage
    LifeStyle Coach
    € 0,23 pm
  • Connie S
    € 0,12 pm
Show more